Long time no see

Well I haven't written in here for a while and maybe i should have because I've been bottling so much up :(
I really cant take bottling up any more so i vow i will ATTEMPT to try and make time to write in here at least every second day because its affecting my relationship with Matt, and its making us hate each other and thats the last thing in the world that i ever wanted ..

Have you ever reached a point in your life where you realized nothing is as it was, and you will never be what you wanted to be because you chose one path instead of another. ?

Im there and it sucks I'm battling an enteral war with myself, i am a goal focused person I love having a plan, I hate stress but i thrive on it, i work best under chaos but i don't work well when my anxiety hits the roof, i don't work well when I'm depressed, i don't cope well when i spend the night crying.

Im trying to remember that "this too shall pass" that has worked for everything else but it isn't working right now. I need you more than ever before and i need you to know that Im not giving up or giving in, I'm struggling to move forward though, Im scared of where I'm going, but i know if you just hold my hand we will see the sun rise and we will be alright.

Thoughts

I think i hate people and what they have done.
I have major trust issues.
I look around at the world and i hate what has happened.
I hate people
I hate people i dont even know
 I hate them because they have the nerve to smile at me
I hate them because they are happier than me
I hate them because my life will never be that perfect
I will never have the happiness i see them with
My life is falling apart and for once its not my fault

I feel like i don't belong any where any more
Financially my world has fallen to shit
My friends and family have started to drift away
I feel although they only want to know me when they want something or i have to be the one who makes the effort i never get a call to just ask how i am.

I'm that friend that you will say is your friend but you never fucking make an effort all of this hurts even more because i live in an area where i know fucking no one, the only people i know are the people i live with, the friends i do have left i feel are friends with me out of obligation rather then because they want to. The only friend i do have lives in the city and well he works full time 2 jobs and the time we spends together we drink so its not really a proactive friendship.

Ive lost everything i have but gained a wonderful partner and great in-laws. I'm having a emo post because shit is so fucked up in my head and i dont really understand how it all went so wrong.

But at the end of the day all that matters is that i have Husbandface and i have Spawn and we have a roof over our heads even if it means that we have no money at all and cant afford Christmas :(

Things i love

I'm loving a lot of things in life, from moonlight to the smell of coffee to the shopping centre music, to the song I’ve got on repeat right now.

I rarely use the word love on this blog, in fact I am pretty sure i use the word hate more often, hate comes out of my mouth more often than the word love. 

Today i am writing a love list, I figure this blog needs a little lovin up. 

I am not going to name names, but consider this your big warm fuzzy hug from me. Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel its warmth. Friends are like potatoes you eat them and they die. 

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT Y'ALL!

You encourage me to do my best without hesitation.

You know the exact moment to say the exact best dry, witty thing to make me smile.

You tell people that it's a lovely day every single day.

You forgive my anger.

Your eyes shine like the stars when you tell stories.

You have the biggest heart I have ever seen

You talk with your hands, but its okay its a wog thing and I understand.

I love the way you blush and go quiet when people say kind things to you.

And the way it's difficult for you to accept compliments.

Your wisdom is far greater than your years.

You got up and danced anyway, and you did it with a smile.

You get my jokes. No matter how stupid they are. Or how much i fuck up the punch-line

I love your giant dreams and your inability to downsize them.

You listen better than anyone else I know, and i know my thoughts are safe with you.

You go out of your way to make others feel at ease.

Your insane, unhinged laugh is the highlight of ANY day.

You aren’t afraid to say you don’t know.

You laugh until you cry.

You are always there for me, through thick and thin.

Your patience and understanding.

Your Reliableness .

Your pleasant surprises.

You take me as one of the boys.

And how you indulge my silliness.

Your belief in me.

The fact we love the same style in clothes and shoes.

Your thoughtfulness.

Your limitless generosity.

You can fix absolutely anything. Handiest person ever.

Things women should stop doing

Stop making men watch glittery vampires!


stop making your boyfriend pay for wat your EX boyfriend did to you


Stop settling for less than they deserve, know your worth and stake your claim!


Stop taking pics in your bathroom and calling yourself a model.


Stop saying you want a Good Man but refusing to let go of the one who disrespects you.


Stop embarrassing yourself on a TV show becuase you don't know who your baby daddy is


Stop degrading yourselves


Stop being the option when you want to be the priority


Stop caking their face with make up


Stop being so insecure in relationships


Stop being so damn naïve and ignoring the red flags, KNOW when that man isn't any good!


Stop hating yourselves - your beautiful!


Stop saying "I'M DONE" or "I'M OVER IT", when you say it we KNOW you don't mean it.


 Stop reading women's magazines. Unrealistic models can make you feel bad about yourself”


Stop measuring your self worth based on numbers on a weighing scale.


Stop fighting FOR someone who'd rather fight WITH you


Stop forcing your man to talk when he needs a breather. Give him a second, he'll come around.


Stop thinking every guy likes certain types. Be yourself and if he don't like that, believe me someone else will!


Stop trying to change your man. Love him for who he is. Build him up, don't tear him down. Y'all will both be happier

A picture says a thousand words

So clearly a video has to say a million right?


"Whispers In The Dark"

Despite the lies that you're making
Your love is mine for the taking
My love is
Just waiting
To turn your tears to roses

Despite the lies that you're making
Your love is mine for the taking
My love is
Just waiting
To turn your tears to roses

I will be the one that's gonna hold you
I will be the one that you run to
My love is
A burning, consuming fire

[Chorus:]
No
You'll never be alone
When darkness comes I'll light the night with stars
Hear the whispers in the dark
No
You'll never be alone
When darkness comes you know I'm never far
Hear the whispers in the dark
Whispers in the dark

You feel so lonely and ragged
You lay here broken and naked
My love is
Just waiting
To clothe you in crimson roses

I will be the one that's gonna find you
I will be the one that's gonna guide you
My love is
A burning, consuming fire

[Chorus x2]

Whispers in the dark [x3] 

My own personal angel..

left this world years ago now, still seems like yesterday though.
The pain subsides alongside the love and the regrets, but past is past, and the futur ahead.

I know that if I could hear you, this is probably what you would tell me:

"Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am in a thousand winds that blow,
I am the softly falling snow.
I am the gentle showers of rain,
I am the fields of ripening grain.
I am in the morning hush,
I am in the graceful rush
Of beautiful birds in circling flight,
I am the starshine of the night.
I am in the flowers that bloom,
I am in a quiet room.
I am in the birds that sing,
I am in each lovely thing.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there. I do not die." 



Words are hard to find to express my true feelings, but when I think about you, i think about about what you asked me before the end, and I just want you to know that now I am ready to keep my promise.
I wasn't ready to say goodbye, and though that I lost you, but now I know how wrong I was. You are still here, in every single one of the lives that you touched(I still make most of my decisions based on what I believe you would approve of, and I probably always will). 
I will make you proud, we all will, simply because you were you..

So, I will not stand at your grave and weep,I will stand tall and proud and face life and its obstacles, just as you taught me to.
Because i know you'll always be in my heart and by my side every step of the way.

My anger

Pretty sick of I'm sober now lets apologize bullshit. 

You have my son in your custody you shouldnt have been DRUNK on a week night in the fist place .

I dont give a flyig fuck if you got your single parent payment or not.

Yelling at me, hanging up then calling ad yelling at me again, Threatening Matt it will get you no where. 

I contacted you, simply to ask if i could spend an hour or two with my son.

Not to be abused, not to be torn to shreds, not be reduced to tears.

Not to have Thijson freak out and look for some one making me upset. 

Matt & I we are better than that, we wont stoop to your level The children are not pawns and should not be used against either parent.

Yeah I get that you are hurt that Thijson calls Matt daddy, but maybe if you stepped up the game, stopped insulting Thijson, honnestly what sort of a "father" calls there 3 year old a "retard" to his face??, stopped telling me its my fault he is autistic.  

Started wanting to see him maybe just maybe with a bit of fucking luck Thijson would realise you are his father not just some drunk who used to beat his mother.

I showed Thijson a photo of Oliver last night and he didn't even click that Oliver was his brother the damage you have done is irreversible now, how the fuck can i come back from this? How the fuck can i fix this for Thijson.

I fucking can't.

I'm not going to try any more.

I give up because there is no pleasing you.

I honnestly think Within Temptation sum it up so well.

I did my best to please you

But my best was never good enough

Somehow you're only able to see

All I am not 

Did you ever look behind

Aren't you afraid of the pieces you'll find

I have failed you

But you have failed me too 

I close my eyes as I walk the thin line between love and hate

For the person with the same blood in his veins 

You show no regrets

About all the things you did or said

I have failed you

But believe me you failed me too 

You have no way of contacting me. it will damn well fucking stay that way. 

You are the source of my anxiety, the root of my depression and the centre of all that is fucked up in my life, I'm pretty sure I would be alot happier if you just died. You fucked up the best thing that ever came your way, you dragged me through court to prove you are better than me, they all think your fantatsic well i know better i know your a fucking cunt, you used the kids against me, you love love love to rub in the fact that i lost custody of Oliver, Thats okay they will realise what a fucking mistake they made soon enough. You constantly try to have a prsence in my life well not any more. You have no one. Your "friends" think your a fucking failure, how about you get off your ass and try and be some one, bring me down wont make your self feel any better. But back to my point, good bye, good luck, i have to give up my baby to get rid of you. Its the hardest thing i have ever had to do but it needs to be done.  You have made my life a living hell for 6 years, and i just took it, i just stood here and took it, well good luck finding me now bitch. 

Enjoy it while it lasts, because you've made the wrong people angry 

Dear younger self

Dear 14 year old  Self,

Firstly happy birthday, secondly shut the fuck up its my turn to talk 

I’m writing you this letter fully knowing that you’re going to think everything I’m about tell you is complete bullshit because you are just a scared shit less ego-driven kid who is out to conquer the world.

To prove I'm from the future, let me tell you what I know about you, I know that you wear nothing but black, but at the back of the second draw you have a hot pink roxy bikini. I know that you on verge of being kicked out of school because you have an issue with authority, I know your scared shit less that your parents are fighting, and i know you think everything is your fault, you yell and scream and when you cant yell you take your frustrations out on your body, that scar on your wrist, it will fade, it will get better. I know this is when you really started to notice you had OCD, this will still plague you well into your twenties. But its okay people remind your your not crazy.

This will be a tumultuous year for your family, so much will change and hating them will not fix it, Cut back on the foul language its not there fault your a spoilt brat with no consideration. You can not determine the outcome of every relationship, and do you really truely think your parents are doing this to hurt you? Are you honestly that selfish? There is more tha just you in the family, think about your brothers, because in just a few months you will be willing to sacrifice your life for them when shit really hits the fan. 

Hating your parents wont help them get back together, ignore the situation wont make it go away, it just means your missing out on time you NEED, yeah you read that right you need time with your parents, you will regret pushing your father away when you look back and see the shit ass choices you made with boys. You will regret pushing your mother away when you find out she is in hospital sick. You will regret it all and there is nothing you can do with wasted time.

You will regret it when you sitting alone on your bed in crisis accommodation at 15 because you are homeless because you couldn't get your shit together. You only get one family, don't fuck it up, that's right your homeless at 15... Your failing every subject at school. You only go there now to see your friends, the teachers have given up on you just like everyone else, and this is where you meet Steven. Stay the fuck away from him. He will ruin your life.

Friends come and go, but realise that while your collecting rocks you may miss a diamond. Tread carefully, know yourself, what you stand for and never ever let any one break you. Never put any one before your family. Never stand back and watch some one make fun of your family because they will be all you have and at one point you wont even have them.

The biggest fear of your life--that you are incapable of falling deeply, madly in love with someone who loves you--is bunk. You will meet him when your 21, he will be the best man you've ever met and you will never, ever get sick of him. And you will even become a better person, a kinder and more thoughtful person, because of him. He will take you as you are, he will know everything about you and still want to fall asleep holding you, he will love your son just as much you love him, he will do anything for you, as you would him. But to get there you will kiss a few toads first. You will go through hell to get to where i am now but it will be ever so worth it. 

The two toads you have to kiss to find prince charming will be violent, you will know how violent in time, i wish i could tell you your life will be all lolly-pops and rainbows and cutesy shit like that but we both know that's not how shit goes down. Your smart enough to know when your in danger, trust your gut, never keep anything from the people who care about you, if you don't tell them that your being hit they wont know because your fucking good at hiding it. I want you to know that you deserve better. When S.D offers you to try drugs, you can say no and your friends will still respect you, in fact your friends with most of then still now. You don't have to change the person you are to fit in because if these frogs truly cared about you they would accept you as is. 

Don't spend years trying to be your sisters shadow, it will get you no where, you are your own person, you don't realize it yet but people value you for who you are as a person not who you know or who your related to. Dont focus all your energy into her either, its only going to irreversibly fall apart in just a few years and it will never be the same, you will still long for the "relationship" you will try you darnedest to fix it but it will fall apart, its best to just let go. She only brings you down, it will take you 4 years to realise that. 

I know you hate your body, well darling fucking enjoy it while you have it. Don't abuse the right to be thin, eat well, don't skip meals, and stress less about stretch-marks. You are beautiful. It will take you a really long time to realise this but you will, and you wont care what you look like. At 18 you will put on more weigh than you can deal with sending you into a deep depression, When your in your 20's you will struggle with your weight, you will loose more weight than you expect you will be scared that you going to suffer with an eating disorder that plagued your teens. But you will be okay because people love you.

Learn to hold your tongue not every one wants to hurt you, some do but not everyone, some people actually care about you, some people want to be there for you. Stop fighting with Aaron, because you will loose him forever in 4 years and it will fuck you up hardcore. He will become the most important person in your life. You may not think that, but he will. Don't be scared to let people know your hurting they wont know if you don't say anything. You will be the first 4 people so far to have his name tattooed on you. It helped you heal. You still struggle not having him around, but its okay you made peace with the fact he is gone on his 21st birthday. 

Speaking of tattoos you currently have 4. WAIT. you got your first tattoo at 20. And even now you regret some of them. 

Never for a second let go of any of your dreams. You will do shit backwards but you will get there. I wouldn't expect anything less of you Chloe. Never change the person you are because you are as you are meant to be. 

You will look back when you are in your twenties and say "how did i fuck up so bad" you know you fucked up so bad you did everything you were told not to do. Please just wait. You will have it all but not right now. You don't need to be doing the things your doing. Be prepared to fight for the person you are, you are strong, you are beautiful, you have a big heart, you will still hate being told these things when you are in your twenties, but they are true, you have strong beliefs and if you can just hold on to them maybe just maybe you will get to where you want to go. 

P.s Never give up. Love will conquer all. 

With all my love 21 year old you 

Lyrics

"So here I sit looking at the traffic lights

The red extinguishes the hope that the green ignites

I want to run away I want to ditch my life

Cause all of my mistakes keep me awake at night"

Relient K - "I So Hate Consequences"

I think any one can read those lyrics and relate. 

You don't have to know the band

Or even like the music to relate to lyrics.

My life is confusing and scary,

I feel like i make more mistakes than i make good

I feel like i have turned down every wrong street

Gotten lost in every possible way

Done everything wrong. 

Hit every red light..

Im not where i want to be 

THOUGH

I am where i need to be

i just need time 

To adjust 

I'm not looking back

I left it all behind

for a reason

I didn't even say good bye

I wont shed a tear

I wont look back 

I wont forget

But I choose not to remember

Bridges burned

Friendship lost

Words can not be unsaid 

Actions can not be undone 

You did what you did 

I did what I had too

For my family

check mate 

Sensorium

A fuse blew...

The wires have been crossed

Mixed message

some how 

What you heard

What I said

What I meant

got confused

The truth lies 

Hidden 

In the depths 

Of the emerald doors

I write these words

For you 

Only you

Because

I'm voiceless

I'm faceless

I'm soulless

near you

You cut my wires

I'm unable to function

Blow out the candle

Draw the curtains 

This is the last call 

There will be no song from beyond the grave 

I have lack of Internet

Volim te!

You can light up my day with out even being here

If this is a dream please don't wake me 

I have never felt like this before

I have never felt this alive 

You allow me to be myself 

I dare say your the only person who doesn't think i'm weird 

I know i am your equal 

You make me feel like i'm the most beautiful girl in the world 

I know i can be myself around you 

I like how the silly things i say make you laugh

You respect me 

I have never been treated this way

I no longer feel empty

You accepted me as i am with no request to change 

I adore how you love Thijson 

I know i want to be with you for the rest of my life

You've no idea

You've no idea what id do...............

To protect the ones i love

You call it excessive i call it love

Dont ever doubt my passion and strength

My family is all i have 

I can only be backed in a corner for so long

Before some one looses a limb 

My babies are my world

Closely followed by my man 

I suggest you not fuck with them 

Fuck with my head all you want 

But ill destroy your livelyhood 

Ill destroy your world

Ill reduce you to ashes 

If you fuck with my family 

They are everything to me 

I am everything to them 

Unlike you

I am loved

I am needed

I am respected

I am special

I am cared for 

I am human 

No one ever tells you

That family will stab you in the back.

That family will disrespect you.

That family will lies right to your face.

That family will let you down.

That family will be the ones to bring you down.

That family will be ones to draw the knife

That family will be the the last people you will want to turn too

That family will enjoy seeing you hurt

That family will love seeing the tear

That family will be the death of you 

That family will have that last word

That family will dig the whole

That family will throw you in 

That family will bury you alive

No one ever tells you 

that family

Family isn't forever

I'm a pretty picture

Every

For every word that has pierced my skin. 

For every feeling that's been hurt

For even beating I've taken

For every broken promise

For every tear I have shed

For every year I wasted trying to fix it 

For every piece of confidence you shattered

For every time you tried to make it better

For every black eye I had to hide

For every lie that's been told 

For every part of my heart that's now lost 

For everything you have done

I hope you fucking burn

Burn in hell.

How can you says Sorry?

Sorry doesn't cut it.

How the fuck can you think

SORRY would make it better.

Oh I just destroyed you but sorry. 

Yeah that doesn't work. 

The bruises fade but the scars remain, 

and I have far too many of them. 

Most not visible but I know they are there,

That's what hurts I know they are there 

I know it happened 

Thank you you made me what I am today

I have never been more weak

I have ever been this strong

I am a bundle of broken nerves

I'll wear a poker face so you'll never tell

I am a fuse ready to blow

I am angry at the world

I am convinced every one will hurt me 

I am scared of people

I am afraid of myself 

You fight with your fists I'll use my words

My pain is something you'll never know

The tears you may see but 

The extend of the damage

Goes deep within

Give up the power trip. 

I'm already broken.

I'm trying to find the pieces