My anger

Pretty sick of I'm sober now lets apologize bullshit. 

You have my son in your custody you shouldnt have been DRUNK on a week night in the fist place .

I dont give a flyig fuck if you got your single parent payment or not.

Yelling at me, hanging up then calling ad yelling at me again, Threatening Matt it will get you no where. 

I contacted you, simply to ask if i could spend an hour or two with my son.

Not to be abused, not to be torn to shreds, not be reduced to tears.

Not to have Thijson freak out and look for some one making me upset. 

Matt & I we are better than that, we wont stoop to your level The children are not pawns and should not be used against either parent.

Yeah I get that you are hurt that Thijson calls Matt daddy, but maybe if you stepped up the game, stopped insulting Thijson, honnestly what sort of a "father" calls there 3 year old a "retard" to his face??, stopped telling me its my fault he is autistic.  

Started wanting to see him maybe just maybe with a bit of fucking luck Thijson would realise you are his father not just some drunk who used to beat his mother.

I showed Thijson a photo of Oliver last night and he didn't even click that Oliver was his brother the damage you have done is irreversible now, how the fuck can i come back from this? How the fuck can i fix this for Thijson.

I fucking can't.

I'm not going to try any more.

I give up because there is no pleasing you.

I honnestly think Within Temptation sum it up so well.

I did my best to please you

But my best was never good enough

Somehow you're only able to see

All I am not 

Did you ever look behind

Aren't you afraid of the pieces you'll find

I have failed you

But you have failed me too 

I close my eyes as I walk the thin line between love and hate

For the person with the same blood in his veins 

You show no regrets

About all the things you did or said

I have failed you

But believe me you failed me too 

You have no way of contacting me. it will damn well fucking stay that way. 

You are the source of my anxiety, the root of my depression and the centre of all that is fucked up in my life, I'm pretty sure I would be alot happier if you just died. You fucked up the best thing that ever came your way, you dragged me through court to prove you are better than me, they all think your fantatsic well i know better i know your a fucking cunt, you used the kids against me, you love love love to rub in the fact that i lost custody of Oliver, Thats okay they will realise what a fucking mistake they made soon enough. You constantly try to have a prsence in my life well not any more. You have no one. Your "friends" think your a fucking failure, how about you get off your ass and try and be some one, bring me down wont make your self feel any better. But back to my point, good bye, good luck, i have to give up my baby to get rid of you. Its the hardest thing i have ever had to do but it needs to be done.  You have made my life a living hell for 6 years, and i just took it, i just stood here and took it, well good luck finding me now bitch. 

Enjoy it while it lasts, because you've made the wrong people angry 

Dear younger self

Dear 14 year old  Self,

Firstly happy birthday, secondly shut the fuck up its my turn to talk 

I’m writing you this letter fully knowing that you’re going to think everything I’m about tell you is complete bullshit because you are just a scared shit less ego-driven kid who is out to conquer the world.

To prove I'm from the future, let me tell you what I know about you, I know that you wear nothing but black, but at the back of the second draw you have a hot pink roxy bikini. I know that you on verge of being kicked out of school because you have an issue with authority, I know your scared shit less that your parents are fighting, and i know you think everything is your fault, you yell and scream and when you cant yell you take your frustrations out on your body, that scar on your wrist, it will fade, it will get better. I know this is when you really started to notice you had OCD, this will still plague you well into your twenties. But its okay people remind your your not crazy.

This will be a tumultuous year for your family, so much will change and hating them will not fix it, Cut back on the foul language its not there fault your a spoilt brat with no consideration. You can not determine the outcome of every relationship, and do you really truely think your parents are doing this to hurt you? Are you honestly that selfish? There is more tha just you in the family, think about your brothers, because in just a few months you will be willing to sacrifice your life for them when shit really hits the fan. 

Hating your parents wont help them get back together, ignore the situation wont make it go away, it just means your missing out on time you NEED, yeah you read that right you need time with your parents, you will regret pushing your father away when you look back and see the shit ass choices you made with boys. You will regret pushing your mother away when you find out she is in hospital sick. You will regret it all and there is nothing you can do with wasted time.

You will regret it when you sitting alone on your bed in crisis accommodation at 15 because you are homeless because you couldn't get your shit together. You only get one family, don't fuck it up, that's right your homeless at 15... Your failing every subject at school. You only go there now to see your friends, the teachers have given up on you just like everyone else, and this is where you meet Steven. Stay the fuck away from him. He will ruin your life.

Friends come and go, but realise that while your collecting rocks you may miss a diamond. Tread carefully, know yourself, what you stand for and never ever let any one break you. Never put any one before your family. Never stand back and watch some one make fun of your family because they will be all you have and at one point you wont even have them.

The biggest fear of your life--that you are incapable of falling deeply, madly in love with someone who loves you--is bunk. You will meet him when your 21, he will be the best man you've ever met and you will never, ever get sick of him. And you will even become a better person, a kinder and more thoughtful person, because of him. He will take you as you are, he will know everything about you and still want to fall asleep holding you, he will love your son just as much you love him, he will do anything for you, as you would him. But to get there you will kiss a few toads first. You will go through hell to get to where i am now but it will be ever so worth it. 

The two toads you have to kiss to find prince charming will be violent, you will know how violent in time, i wish i could tell you your life will be all lolly-pops and rainbows and cutesy shit like that but we both know that's not how shit goes down. Your smart enough to know when your in danger, trust your gut, never keep anything from the people who care about you, if you don't tell them that your being hit they wont know because your fucking good at hiding it. I want you to know that you deserve better. When S.D offers you to try drugs, you can say no and your friends will still respect you, in fact your friends with most of then still now. You don't have to change the person you are to fit in because if these frogs truly cared about you they would accept you as is. 

Don't spend years trying to be your sisters shadow, it will get you no where, you are your own person, you don't realize it yet but people value you for who you are as a person not who you know or who your related to. Dont focus all your energy into her either, its only going to irreversibly fall apart in just a few years and it will never be the same, you will still long for the "relationship" you will try you darnedest to fix it but it will fall apart, its best to just let go. She only brings you down, it will take you 4 years to realise that. 

I know you hate your body, well darling fucking enjoy it while you have it. Don't abuse the right to be thin, eat well, don't skip meals, and stress less about stretch-marks. You are beautiful. It will take you a really long time to realise this but you will, and you wont care what you look like. At 18 you will put on more weigh than you can deal with sending you into a deep depression, When your in your 20's you will struggle with your weight, you will loose more weight than you expect you will be scared that you going to suffer with an eating disorder that plagued your teens. But you will be okay because people love you.

Learn to hold your tongue not every one wants to hurt you, some do but not everyone, some people actually care about you, some people want to be there for you. Stop fighting with Aaron, because you will loose him forever in 4 years and it will fuck you up hardcore. He will become the most important person in your life. You may not think that, but he will. Don't be scared to let people know your hurting they wont know if you don't say anything. You will be the first 4 people so far to have his name tattooed on you. It helped you heal. You still struggle not having him around, but its okay you made peace with the fact he is gone on his 21st birthday. 

Speaking of tattoos you currently have 4. WAIT. you got your first tattoo at 20. And even now you regret some of them. 

Never for a second let go of any of your dreams. You will do shit backwards but you will get there. I wouldn't expect anything less of you Chloe. Never change the person you are because you are as you are meant to be. 

You will look back when you are in your twenties and say "how did i fuck up so bad" you know you fucked up so bad you did everything you were told not to do. Please just wait. You will have it all but not right now. You don't need to be doing the things your doing. Be prepared to fight for the person you are, you are strong, you are beautiful, you have a big heart, you will still hate being told these things when you are in your twenties, but they are true, you have strong beliefs and if you can just hold on to them maybe just maybe you will get to where you want to go. 

P.s Never give up. Love will conquer all. 

With all my love 21 year old you 

Lyrics

"So here I sit looking at the traffic lights

The red extinguishes the hope that the green ignites

I want to run away I want to ditch my life

Cause all of my mistakes keep me awake at night"

Relient K - "I So Hate Consequences"

I think any one can read those lyrics and relate. 

You don't have to know the band

Or even like the music to relate to lyrics.

My life is confusing and scary,

I feel like i make more mistakes than i make good

I feel like i have turned down every wrong street

Gotten lost in every possible way

Done everything wrong. 

Hit every red light..

Im not where i want to be 

THOUGH

I am where i need to be

i just need time 

To adjust 

I'm not looking back

I left it all behind

for a reason

I didn't even say good bye

I wont shed a tear

I wont look back 

I wont forget

But I choose not to remember

Bridges burned

Friendship lost

Words can not be unsaid 

Actions can not be undone 

You did what you did 

I did what I had too

For my family

check mate 

Sensorium

A fuse blew...

The wires have been crossed

Mixed message

some how 

What you heard

What I said

What I meant

got confused

The truth lies 

Hidden 

In the depths 

Of the emerald doors

I write these words

For you 

Only you

Because

I'm voiceless

I'm faceless

I'm soulless

near you

You cut my wires

I'm unable to function

Blow out the candle

Draw the curtains 

This is the last call 

There will be no song from beyond the grave 

I have lack of Internet

Volim te!

You can light up my day with out even being here

If this is a dream please don't wake me 

I have never felt like this before

I have never felt this alive 

You allow me to be myself 

I dare say your the only person who doesn't think i'm weird 

I know i am your equal 

You make me feel like i'm the most beautiful girl in the world 

I know i can be myself around you 

I like how the silly things i say make you laugh

You respect me 

I have never been treated this way

I no longer feel empty

You accepted me as i am with no request to change 

I adore how you love Thijson 

I know i want to be with you for the rest of my life