hello 2011

well that came a round quickly didnt it.
Crazy how fast the year goes as you get older.
im rather looking for to easter this year because it will be spawns firsts easter that he understands, I hyped up christmas so much so easter will be awesome because i get to steal all his chocolate =P
im so excited.

New years resolution - to be more healthy - To read a book a every day or atleast a chapter a day.

Long time no see

Well I haven't written in here for a while and maybe i should have because I've been bottling so much up :(
I really cant take bottling up any more so i vow i will ATTEMPT to try and make time to write in here at least every second day because its affecting my relationship with Matt, and its making us hate each other and thats the last thing in the world that i ever wanted ..

Have you ever reached a point in your life where you realized nothing is as it was, and you will never be what you wanted to be because you chose one path instead of another. ?

Im there and it sucks I'm battling an enteral war with myself, i am a goal focused person I love having a plan, I hate stress but i thrive on it, i work best under chaos but i don't work well when my anxiety hits the roof, i don't work well when I'm depressed, i don't cope well when i spend the night crying.

Im trying to remember that "this too shall pass" that has worked for everything else but it isn't working right now. I need you more than ever before and i need you to know that Im not giving up or giving in, I'm struggling to move forward though, Im scared of where I'm going, but i know if you just hold my hand we will see the sun rise and we will be alright.

Thoughts

I think i hate people and what they have done.
I have major trust issues.
I look around at the world and i hate what has happened.
I hate people
I hate people i dont even know
 I hate them because they have the nerve to smile at me
I hate them because they are happier than me
I hate them because my life will never be that perfect
I will never have the happiness i see them with
My life is falling apart and for once its not my fault

I feel like i don't belong any where any more
Financially my world has fallen to shit
My friends and family have started to drift away
I feel although they only want to know me when they want something or i have to be the one who makes the effort i never get a call to just ask how i am.

I'm that friend that you will say is your friend but you never fucking make an effort all of this hurts even more because i live in an area where i know fucking no one, the only people i know are the people i live with, the friends i do have left i feel are friends with me out of obligation rather then because they want to. The only friend i do have lives in the city and well he works full time 2 jobs and the time we spends together we drink so its not really a proactive friendship.

Ive lost everything i have but gained a wonderful partner and great in-laws. I'm having a emo post because shit is so fucked up in my head and i dont really understand how it all went so wrong.

But at the end of the day all that matters is that i have Husbandface and i have Spawn and we have a roof over our heads even if it means that we have no money at all and cant afford Christmas :(

Things i love

I'm loving a lot of things in life, from moonlight to the smell of coffee to the shopping centre music, to the song I’ve got on repeat right now.

I rarely use the word love on this blog, in fact I am pretty sure i use the word hate more often, hate comes out of my mouth more often than the word love. 

Today i am writing a love list, I figure this blog needs a little lovin up. 

I am not going to name names, but consider this your big warm fuzzy hug from me. Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel its warmth. Friends are like potatoes you eat them and they die. 

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT Y'ALL!

You encourage me to do my best without hesitation.

You know the exact moment to say the exact best dry, witty thing to make me smile.

You tell people that it's a lovely day every single day.

You forgive my anger.

Your eyes shine like the stars when you tell stories.

You have the biggest heart I have ever seen

You talk with your hands, but its okay its a wog thing and I understand.

I love the way you blush and go quiet when people say kind things to you.

And the way it's difficult for you to accept compliments.

Your wisdom is far greater than your years.

You got up and danced anyway, and you did it with a smile.

You get my jokes. No matter how stupid they are. Or how much i fuck up the punch-line

I love your giant dreams and your inability to downsize them.

You listen better than anyone else I know, and i know my thoughts are safe with you.

You go out of your way to make others feel at ease.

Your insane, unhinged laugh is the highlight of ANY day.

You aren’t afraid to say you don’t know.

You laugh until you cry.

You are always there for me, through thick and thin.

Your patience and understanding.

Your Reliableness .

Your pleasant surprises.

You take me as one of the boys.

And how you indulge my silliness.

Your belief in me.

The fact we love the same style in clothes and shoes.

Your thoughtfulness.

Your limitless generosity.

You can fix absolutely anything. Handiest person ever.

Things women should stop doing

Stop making men watch glittery vampires!


stop making your boyfriend pay for wat your EX boyfriend did to you


Stop settling for less than they deserve, know your worth and stake your claim!


Stop taking pics in your bathroom and calling yourself a model.


Stop saying you want a Good Man but refusing to let go of the one who disrespects you.


Stop embarrassing yourself on a TV show becuase you don't know who your baby daddy is


Stop degrading yourselves


Stop being the option when you want to be the priority


Stop caking their face with make up


Stop being so insecure in relationships


Stop being so damn naïve and ignoring the red flags, KNOW when that man isn't any good!


Stop hating yourselves - your beautiful!


Stop saying "I'M DONE" or "I'M OVER IT", when you say it we KNOW you don't mean it.


 Stop reading women's magazines. Unrealistic models can make you feel bad about yourself”


Stop measuring your self worth based on numbers on a weighing scale.


Stop fighting FOR someone who'd rather fight WITH you


Stop forcing your man to talk when he needs a breather. Give him a second, he'll come around.


Stop thinking every guy likes certain types. Be yourself and if he don't like that, believe me someone else will!


Stop trying to change your man. Love him for who he is. Build him up, don't tear him down. Y'all will both be happier

A picture says a thousand words

So clearly a video has to say a million right?


"Whispers In The Dark"

Despite the lies that you're making
Your love is mine for the taking
My love is
Just waiting
To turn your tears to roses

Despite the lies that you're making
Your love is mine for the taking
My love is
Just waiting
To turn your tears to roses

I will be the one that's gonna hold you
I will be the one that you run to
My love is
A burning, consuming fire

[Chorus:]
No
You'll never be alone
When darkness comes I'll light the night with stars
Hear the whispers in the dark
No
You'll never be alone
When darkness comes you know I'm never far
Hear the whispers in the dark
Whispers in the dark

You feel so lonely and ragged
You lay here broken and naked
My love is
Just waiting
To clothe you in crimson roses

I will be the one that's gonna find you
I will be the one that's gonna guide you
My love is
A burning, consuming fire

[Chorus x2]

Whispers in the dark [x3] 

My own personal angel..

left this world years ago now, still seems like yesterday though.
The pain subsides alongside the love and the regrets, but past is past, and the futur ahead.

I know that if I could hear you, this is probably what you would tell me:

"Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am in a thousand winds that blow,
I am the softly falling snow.
I am the gentle showers of rain,
I am the fields of ripening grain.
I am in the morning hush,
I am in the graceful rush
Of beautiful birds in circling flight,
I am the starshine of the night.
I am in the flowers that bloom,
I am in a quiet room.
I am in the birds that sing,
I am in each lovely thing.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there. I do not die." 



Words are hard to find to express my true feelings, but when I think about you, i think about about what you asked me before the end, and I just want you to know that now I am ready to keep my promise.
I wasn't ready to say goodbye, and though that I lost you, but now I know how wrong I was. You are still here, in every single one of the lives that you touched(I still make most of my decisions based on what I believe you would approve of, and I probably always will). 
I will make you proud, we all will, simply because you were you..

So, I will not stand at your grave and weep,I will stand tall and proud and face life and its obstacles, just as you taught me to.
Because i know you'll always be in my heart and by my side every step of the way.